The Millennial Homemaker

The musings of a Stay at Home Mom

Inside, Outside, Upside Down

I am no longer a millennial homemaker. And it’s gut wrenching.

For the past nine years I have been writing about the ups and downs of being a homemaker, a wife, a mother, a homeschooler, and a wanna-be homesteader.

And now my world has been turned inside out and upside down.

I don’t want to go into too many details, but in a nutshell there are three major life changes happening… and I feel like I am losing my shit.

  1. I became a full time teacher.
  2. I moved out from my home.
  3. I am getting divorced.

All. At. Once.

I was reading about some of the major life stressors, and these circumstances are literally in the top 7 of the list of all lists.

Right now I feel so weak. A failure. A worthless piece of shit.

With the exception of obtaining my dream job of teaching, it has been hard to find any blessings. Moving away from my family is the loneliest thing I have ever done. And no, I am not as upset about the divorce as I am about being away from my kids. They were my world. They still are my world. And now I feel like I just took a one way trip to Mars.

I don’t know how to deal with it. I am hoping with time that I will figure it all out.

I am crying out to God. But I don’t know how strong my faith is… I am being tested everyday, yet I feel like I am the world’s biggest hypocrite. I say I believe in God and His purpose, yet I am not sure if I am on the right side of heaven because of my doubts.

I am a walking insomniac, living on xanax and celexa and blood pressure pills. I was doing well with controlling my depression and anxiety… until Christmas and New Years Eve. These holidays just through my emotions around in a blender. Although there were many awesome moments in celebration, there were days of sheer mental and emotional survival.

I don’t even know how to put my thoughts into words in a coherent manner. Maybe it’s not the right time to spill my guts and be so cathartic, but geez, I have no one else to talk to.

Maybe there is someone on this planet who has been through what I am going through now. Can someone please tell me that I will survive this divorce? That I will not only survive, but thrive? That my kids will grow up to be awesome adults and not need too much therapy because mom left the home?

I honestly do not know what tomorrow will bring. I am praying that there will be hope. That the sorrow of today will not breed bitterness in tomorrow. That the mourning will only last for a night. That joy will be found. That the promises of God, stating that His mercies are new every morning, are TRUE.

If anyone has read this far, will you please go into intercessory prayer? Pray that I can find the joy of my salvation again. That I can find God’s strength in my weakness. That I will be open to LOVE, especially God’s love.

 

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