Inside, Outside, Upside Down

I am no longer a millennial homemaker. And it’s gut wrenching.

For the past nine years I have been writing about the ups and downs of being a homemaker, a wife, a mother, a homeschooler, and a wanna-be homesteader.

And now my world has been turned inside out and upside down.

I don’t want to go into too many details, but in a nutshell there are three major life changes happening… and I feel like I am losing my shit.

1. I became a full time teacher.
2. I moved out from my home.
3. I am getting divorced.

All. At. Once.

I was reading about some of the major life stressors, and these circumstances are literally in the top 7 of the list of all lists.

Right now I feel so weak. A failure. A worthless piece of shit.

With the exception of obtaining my dream job of teaching, it has been hard to find any blessings. Moving away from my family is the loneliest thing I have ever done. And no, I am not as upset about the divorce as I am about being away from my kids. They were my world. They still are my world. And now I feel like I just took a one way trip to Mars.

I don’t know how to deal with it. I am hoping with time that I will figure it all out.

I am crying out to God. But I don’t know how strong my faith is… I am being tested everyday, yet I feel like I am the world’s biggest hypocrite. I say I believe in God and His purpose, yet I am not sure if I am on the right side of heaven because of my doubts.

I am a walking insomniac, living on xanax and celexa and blood pressure pills. I was doing well with controlling my depression and anxiety… until Christmas and New Years Eve. These holidays just through my emotions around in a blender. Although there were many awesome moments in celebration, there were days of sheer mental and emotional survival.

I don’t even know how to put my thoughts into words in a coherent manner. Maybe it’s not the right time to spill my guts and be so cathartic, but geez, I have no one else to talk to.

Maybe there is someone on this planet who has been through what I am going through now. Can someone please tell me that I will survive this divorce? That I will not only survive, but thrive? That my kids will grow up to be awesome adults and not need too much therapy because mom left the home?

I honestly do not know what tomorrow will bring. I am praying that there will be hope. That the sorrow of today will not breed bitterness in tomorrow. That the mourning will only last for a night. That joy will be found. That the promises of God, stating that His mercies are new every morning, are TRUE.

If anyone has read this far, will you please go into intercessory prayer? Pray that I can find the joy of my salvation again. That I can find God’s strength in my weakness. That I will be open to LOVE, especially God’s love.

 

Fun and Mental is Fundamental

I can’t help but think of the movie, Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium, when I hear of the word, fundamental. In the middle of the movie there is a transition in the story, and the story continues as if a new chapter is written in the final book of a series of the life of the main character.

As I sit here in the dark, the night before the first day of school, I feel like my a new chapter is unfolding at this moment. If you had told me two years ago (or even one year ago) that I would be in a transitional state right now, I would have doubted you. No one ever quite knows for sure what life will bring in terms of change.

I have heard that some of the major stresses in life include 1) a death in the family; 2) a job change; 3) a change in relationship status; 4) a new baby; 5) educational change.

Well, in trepidation of sharing too much information, I have experienced all but #4 in the past two years. At this point I think that having a baby would be easier than the others! But then again, maybe not… postpartum is a bear!

So why am I writing all of this?

1. I can’t have a heart to heart with my mom since she is no longer here. Gosh I miss her.
2. I am starting a new career tomorrow: I am a Kindergarten Teacher. Lord, help me!
3. Again, maybe it is TMI, but my relationship status has changed. Long story.
4. No baby here. Thank goodness. But, I will gladly babysit your baby so I can get my baby fix!
5. Educational change… just when I thought I was all done with school… I now have to take even more classes for Early Childhood Certification. Pray for me!

I hope I don’t sound like a whiny baby. Because I am not. I am being real. I am just really really overwhelmed, and I have a keyboard and a WordPress site and I am typing my thoughts until the adrenaline subsides. Gosh, you are brave if you are still reading this far!

So, yes. Fun and Mental is Fundamental. I am having Fun. I am feeling a little Mental. But, hey all of these things add up to one common thought: LIFE is FUNdaMENTAL.

Wish me luck tomorrow. Those 5-year-olds may look sweet and innocent, but I know I am going to feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger after his first day in Kindergarten Cop!

At The Crossroad

I am standing at a crossroad in my life.

For the past 19 years I have had the choice to stay at home and raise my children. I gave up a career in technology to nurture young lives. I have loved this time at home. The days were long, but the years were short.

Now that I have two older children in college, and my two younger children are well established in school (one in 11th grade and one in 6th grade), I have decided to change the trajectory of my life journey.

I am officially a Kindergarten Teacher.

And I am scared. Excited, but scared.

All of the paths I have walked have lead me to this crossroad. I completed my Bachelors degree online. I have completed 40 credits of Post-Bacc credits in Elementary Education. And, now I will be completing more credits in Early Childhood Education to fulfill the state requirements for certification.

This is all said in reassurance that the millennial homemaker in me is still me. I still love taking care of my children and my home. It will always be above any outside career.

So, as I journey on this new path, I ask for your prayers. I covet your positive thoughts.

Many people go to college and change careers five times in their lifetime. I have been fortunate enough to pursue my passion in education all along. First, I poured into my own children through homeschooling. Now, I am pouring into my community through public schooling.

I have no idea how long this new journey will last. But, I can assure you that I will enjoy it. Life is short. Life is beautiful. Life is messy. But, most of all, Life is good.

The crossroad is paved with amazing expectations and intentions. And my heart will be in it every step. 100%.

Simple Wonder

“Wonder is the fundamental condition of education.” ~Sarah Clarkson, The Life Giving Home

The freshly mowed grass gleams brightly across the desert landscape. The sun shines down on the earth like a warm, incandescent light-bulb, blurred out by a few cirrus clouds and cooled by the occasional breeze. In the distance a large fence separates two fields of grass. One field beckons the patrons to relax while the other field frames the scene for two teams of players. Spring Training is here. And in full swing.

I feel like a child again. I am so giddy.

The All-American pastime game, Baseball, brings about wonder to most people who attend on any given day. The smell of crackling popcorn, the large pitchers of soft drinks or beer, the fresh hot dogs boiling in the water, and the shaved ice represent the familiar food frenzy that must be consumed during the game.

What is so special about that?

I come back to my childhood memories. Although I did not attend many baseball games during my youth, the games that I did attend were well remembered. Seared into my long-term memory, these games helped me establish the WHY of Wonder.

Sometimes I believe that adults would give anything to return to the innocent days of wonder. To wallow in a pond, run through the sprinklers, chase fireflies at twilight, or even sit behind a wired fence to listen to the crack of a bat and an umpire yell, “Foul!”

Young children may not realize that wonder is a form of education. The young brain is constantly stimulated through real life events and experiences. It begs for more stimuli until the call of mother’s voice begs said child home for dinner. Once a new day begins, the wonder continues again to search for and absorb new memories and delights.

The Simplicity of Wonderment

To Wonder is to embrace the simple joys of life. To chase a butterfly, to sit still and listen to the birds singing on the branches, to lie on a blanket at dusk and wish upon the first star that winks in the night sky.

One of my goals in my mid-life is to slow down and enjoy the wonder of life. Otherwise, the spinning wheel of the daily grind continues to distract, to beg for its own attention, or to discourage the availability of what is always around… the simple wonder of nature.

I slow down. I stop to wonder. I unplug from society and look heavenward. Why?

So I can feel like a child again.

Live now. Dream for the future.

I am currently reading through a little book called Beautiful Now by Stasi Eldredge. It is a 90 day devotional that leads a reader through the journey of discovering God’s dreams for you!

Dreaming for the future

As healing as this book has already been for me since I began reading, I still have so many questions about the future. I am sure you have been asked this one:

“Where do you see yourself in five years? What goals do you hope to achieve by then?”

Sometimes those questions can be so obscure. How am I supposed to know where I will be in five years? How do I even know what goals I will attain? Well, I am learning that the answer to these other questions are simply this: look back at the past five years and see where you have come from. Did you reach any new goals in the past five years, whether you set them intentionally or not?

I believe that looking back (don’t overdo it!) can help you set some foundation for what you would like to accomplish in the next five years. IT IS OKAY to dream about the future. It brings hope to a weary spirit. But, it can also bring fear. How so?

Living in the Present

Fear can reside in worrying too much about the future. I believe there is a fine line between dreaming about the future and worrying about the future. Tip the scales either way and you may be way off balanced. It is imperative to find your center.

That’s why it’s so important (I am talking to the choir here) to keep the focus on the present moment. As my pastor at my church says, “Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks at the future.” Being positive in the present moment, free from worry, helps me to look to my future with faith… with hope. Teaching my mind to continually find peace in the present moment assures me to have hope and faith in my dreams for the future.

Ready or not… Here it comes!

Yes, just like the game of Hide and Seek, the future is coming whether I am ready or not. It can be daunting to look at from a distance. Just like looking at the bottom of a valley from the top of a mountain, the sheer drop can cause even the strongest person to faint. But, one step at a time… one breath at a time… one heartbeat at a time… the bottom of that impossible mountain is attainable.

How do I wrap this up? How do I live in the present while dreaming of the future? Just as I walk and breathe on a regular basis. Keep my mind focused on the things right in front of me. WITH A GOOD ATTITUDE!! For if not, all  I see are dirty dishes that need to be cleaned; floors that need to be swept. I see a partially empty refrigerator that needs to be filled again. Yes the mundane tasks seem like Groundhog day and can get overwhelming. So, the daily grind must be faced with the right attitude. Then, and only then, does the positive attitude help propel me into the proper frame of mind for dreaming.

Create a list and write it down.

I love how Stasi encourages the reader in Chapter 8 to write down a wish list. Who cares if it is silly or long or seems unattainable? For with God, all things are possible, right??? According to her own experience when she wrote down her Wish List and glanced at it a few years later, ALL of her wishes and dreams had come true! That’s pretty incredible to me. Why? Because it means that she believed in her dreams and made them a reality. She poured faith and hope into her list.

So, whoever is reading this post, would you join me in dreaming for the future? Would you consider writing a list of things you’d like to achieve or experience? If so, please reply. I’d love to hear your story.

With love,

Jeanne